12. Blue Christmas. To you Elvis fans out there, this is heresy, but I'm not talkin' about his version. I'm referring the Porky Pig version. I can only handle about three yibb-a-dibb-dibbs before I have to cease hearing the song immediately.
11. Grandma Got Ran Over by a Reindeer. When I was a kid this was one of my favorites, but I now find it ridiculously annoying. The Christmas special they made from this song is one of the worst hours of holiday television viewing ever.
10. I Saw Momma Kissing Santa Claus. The Jackson Five sang this song back in the 70's. I suspect that it may be the root of Michael's problems.
9. Santa Claus is Comin' To Town. I would rather eat sand than listen to the Bruce Springsteen rendition of this song.
8. Jingle Bells. Whenever I hear Jingle Bells I think of the Old Man in the Christmas Story driving the car down the road while his family belts out this obnoxious and repetitive holiday classic.
7. Christmas Shoes. The very definition of unlistenable.
6. All I Want for Christmas is You. Nothing against Mariah Carey. Alright. It's glitzy and loud and overrated, just like Mariah Carey. I feel like the Grinch looking down from the mountain looking at the Yahoos when I hear this thing.
This is where it gets tough.
5. Santa Baby. It's materialistic and sounds sleezy.
4. I Want a Hippopotamus for Christmas. What could possess a little girl to want a pachyderm to play with? What would she do with it? Hippos are the number one man-killers on a continent of man-killers. A hippo would kill her and her family and destroy a small town before it could even be slowed down. Of course, if the little girl who sings this song were to sing to the hippo, it's head would explode and save the day from the worst Christmas present ever.
3. Feliz Navidad. I would rather take my chances swimming with the hippos than listen to two lines of this song. Of course, hating this song makes me a racist, I know. Whatever.
2. Wonderful Christmas Time. Paul McCartney should have his knighting revoked by the Queen for releasing this disaster upon humanity. Radio stations should have their licenses revoked for playing it. It's unquestionably obscene.
1. Happy Christmas (War is Over). Leave it to John Lennon to bring us Hippie Christmas. Listening to this is like having to jog a mile behind Rosie O'Donnell... it's absolutely disgusting and you lose hope in believing it's ever going to end.
This was tough to write... tomorrow night I'll try to list my ten favorite Christmas songs.
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